A Zombie Resolution
by Chantal Boudreau
Making New Year resolutions has long been a tradition with the living, but shouldn’t the undead have the opportunity to better themselves as well? We would expect their resolutions to differ somewhat from the norm, however. While the average person might resolve to join a gym or spend more quality time with their family, such things might prove less than practical for a zombie. Considering their nature and properties, here’s what a top ten list of zombie resolutions might look like:
Everything begins and ends with this in the realm of zombie, so would this be that big of a surprise?
- A regular routine of shambling
No one would envision the walking dead taking to the treadmill, but they could at least get out there and shuffle and moan more often. They don’t have to master the Thriller routine, but practicing it could improve their coordination.
- Lose weight
Zombies don’t do diets – they aren’t exactly known for their impulse control – but they could shed a few extra pounds through rot and ruin. Drop a few fingers and toes, maybe your liver or spleen, and it’ll show the next time you step on the scale. Just don’t lose your head.
- Make time for the mob
Zombies don’t tend to have a family once the apocalypse strikes (although there has been the occasional exception,) not in the ordinary sense anyway. Their new family is the zombie mob, with whom they can spend more quality time. Avoid being the straggler left behind or you could miss out on all the fun.
- Become more spiritual
Zombies don’t pray or meditate, but they could hang out by the nearest church and chow down on a priest, minister or Bible study group. That way, in addition to finding religion, they can also eat it.
- MORE BRAIIIINNNS!!!
Considering that this is a focal point in a zombie’s existence, it had to show up on this list more than once. Am I right?
- Quit smoking
In zombie terms, this means staying clear of any open fires, flame-throwing survivalists or the odd villager’s torches. Burning is baaaad.
While you won’t find zombies ringing a bell by the charity kettle or scooping casserole in a soup kitchen, there are ways they can make a difference. They can be one of the select few at the forefront of the mob trying to push down a chain link fence, getting crushed up against the wire, or the unlucky shambler first in line to set off the survivor booby trap. Come on all you zombies – step up.
- Be a better person
The only way this can be achieved is by zombies working harder to hide their undead state. Hang out in shadowy areas so food in transit might not notice you’re undead until it’s too late. Hover by water fountains, crowded parking lots and in grocery aisles with your most gory bits sheltered from view. Or better yet, hang out behind curtains or under the blankets until prey comes to you. Think less “zombie” and more “zombie in disguise as people.”
- And, of course, EVEN MORE BRAAAIINNS!!!!
To repeat, everything begins and ends with this in the zombie realm. ‘Nuff said.
Aside from being a long-time fan of the zombie genre via books, movies and now TV, Chantal Boudreau began her existence as a published author with a zombie short story named “Palliative” in an anthology called “Vampires, Zombies and Ghosts – Oh My!” published by Notreebooks. This was followed by the publication of several other zombie shorts: “Just Another Day”, “Waking the Dead”, “Escarg-0”, “Life and Undeath on the Chain Gang,” and “One Lonely Night” in the May December Publications’ anthologies “First Time Dead, Volume 1”, “Hell Hath No Fury” (all women writers), “Zero”, “Zombie Lockdown” and “Let’s Scare Cancer to Death” as well as “What a Man’s Gotta Do” in the anthology “Undead Tales” from Rymfire Books and “Deadline” in the anthology “Zombie Buffet” from Open Casket Press. She has done extensive research for her blog series “Chantelly’s Field Guide to Zombies” and a non-fiction article on Zomedy – the dark humour in zombie fiction. She is currently shopping a full zombie novel, Sleep Escapes Us, set in ancient Thrace and involving the myths surrounding the death god, Zalmoxis.