#NGHW Top 8 Commercial Spoofs

These are the top 8 commercial spoofs.

SPOOF #1 Dead Fresh air freshner by Fiend Gottes

A vampire father & young son are sitting outside under a full moon on a cloudless night, crickets are chirping, a wolf howls in the distance…
Son: Dad?
Father: Vhat son?
Son: Do you ever get that… not so fresh feeling?
Father: Bwahaha… but ov course! That’s why I use Dead Fresh.
Announcer: Do you struggle to keep the fetid stench of decay out of your clothes? Coffin? Your basement? Then Dead Fresh is just for you! Dead ten minutes? Ten centuries? Hiding one body or a thousand rotting corpses? Don’t worry, Dead Fresh kills even the strongest creeping stench of death! Just ask Pogo the Clown!
Pogo the Clown: I had dozens of corpses in my crawlspace for years and no one even knew! Thanks Dead Fresh!
Dr. West: Hi, I’m Dr. Herbert West inventor of Dead Fresh. My patented formula fights off stench by temporarily reanimating dead cells. It worked on my mentor Dr. Carl Hill and it will work for you!
Announcer: Get two cans of Dead Fresh all for the low, low price of $6.66! Supplies are limited so call 1-666-NO-STINK Today! Don’t let a little death ruin your life! Act now and get a travel size absolutely free! Smell as fresh as a daisy with Dead Fresh, it gets the dead out!

SPOOF #2 ERLKING by Jonathan Fortin

Narrator: warm, cheerful, happy-go-lucky vibe with a very slight wink in his/her voice.
Kid: can be boy or girl, but should sound young, impressionable, and enthusiastic.
Erlking: older male, with a voice that’s creepy, commanding, and regal.

NARRATOR: This fall, get your child the most magical doll of the year: ERLKING!

KID: Wow mom, this is the best toy EVER!

NARRATOR: Just pull the string, and Erlking gives your child words of wisdom.

ERLKING: I AM THE ERLKING. I WILL TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AND REPLACE THEM WITH CHANGELINGS.

KID: You’re so awesome, Erlking. I want to be just like you!

NARRATOR: Erlking can be your child’s best friend.

KID: Let’s go do something, Erlking!

ERLKING: OH YES…WE SHALL HAVE SO MANY ADVENTURES.

NARRATOR: He can teach your child poetry.

ERLKING: COME AWAY O HUMAN CHILD, TO THE WATERS OF THE WILD, WITH A FAERIE HAND IN HAND, FOR THE WORLD HAS MORE WEEPING THAN YOU’LL EVER UNDERSTAND.

KID: You’re the only one who understands my pain, Erlking.

NARRATOR: And even discipline!

ERKLING: OBEY ME, CHILD, OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES.

KID: I love you, Erlking. I’ll do whatever you say!

ERLKING: KILL YOUR PARENTS.

NARRATOR (speaking super fast): Possible side effects include your child disappearing for 24 hours before returning and attempting to devour and/or copulate with you.

SFX: (childlike, inhuman roar)

NARRATOR: Erlking! The toy your kids will never forget.

SPOOF 3 The Spoof is Happening…We just don’t know when! by AE Kirk

Scene opens onto a simple garden. A neatly cut lawn. A pond on the right, with reeds around it. A flower bed with an assortment of plants on the left. Birds are chirping, the wind rustles the trees and reeds. A swing is dangling from a tree to the rear of the garden. A man with a Welsh accent comes into view wearing a blue shirt and dark blue jeans. He walks to the swing and takes hold of the nearest rope. He turns slowly to face the camera, a sullen look on his face.

MAN   Hello. Welcome to my garden. Do you like your plants? Well you sodding well ought to. It’s no laughing matter, especially when it’s happening. And when it is happening… no one tells you it is happening. The only way to protect yourself…is with this…

Cut to the front of the garden, where a 6 inch brick wall is built like a fort. It is lined with Garden Gnomes of all colours with various garden accessories attached.

MAN   I give you, a garden gnome. Now do not be fooled by this chubby little bugger. He can alert you to when it is happening and stops alerting you when its not happening. He does this by yelling out, “IT’S HAPPENING!” at the top of his silly little lungs. He will continue like this, until its stops happening. He has a durobell battery that lasts for the entire duration of whatever happens.

A Gnome is place by man, tied with a pink ribbon. Camera zooms in onto ribbon tied gnome.

MAN   If you purchase one today for $29.99, I can guarantee your life expectancy will go up. And if you buy two we’ll throw in a fishing rod and wheelbarrow for free.

Wind suddenly picks up, the swing creaks and the sky grows dark.

MAN   This gnome is designed to spy on your plants…

Cut to man holding a cheerful garden gnome.

MAN   So, buy today and save your life to live tomorrow before it happens and the poxy plant toxins kill us!

Gnome looks at the man

Man: Did you know that?

A bunch of flowers are thrown in his face from off camera.

The man screams in horror.

SPOOF #4 FANGBLINGZ by Jess Landry

Are you a blood-thirsty vampire looking to rekindle some of your human tendencies? Do you often wonder, is there a way I can be both the terrifying monster society expects me to be and the gangsta I feel on the inside, but I just can’t find the mouth gear to fit over my fangs?
Well, look no further!
Introducing FangBlingz, the first and only grillz made for vampires struggling with their identities just like you!
Strike fear into the hearts of your victims with your vampiric gaze…then open your mouth and light up the room like a disco ball.
Stalk your prey through the steam-filled back alleys of the city…then flash those gold suckers as you’re about to take a bite.
We guarantee your meals will be envious until the last drop of blood is drained from their bodies, or your money back!
Made from the finest gold in southeast Wisconsin, every package of FangBlingz comes with two sets: one for your human form, the other for your bat form. That’s right, now you can fly the night in style!
Whether by land or sky, FangBlingz will make you the “life” of the party.
FangBlingz, on sale now at Bat Blood and Beyond.
Not available in silver.

SPOOF 5. FULL MOON UNDIES by Naching Kassa

ANNOUNCER [Delivered as a quick spiel] Are you a werewolf? Do you wake up in the woods wearing nothing but your birthday suit? Are you tired of poison ivy and sumac rashes in private places? Are you sick of wearing pine boughs on the cross-town bus? Maybe, it’s time you got some undies…Full Moon Undies!
Full Moon Undies are light and stretchy. Made of one-hundred-percent titanium fibers, Full Moon Undies will not tear or rip during transformation. They conform to your figure and cover your naughty bits whether you’re in werewolf or human form. Just ask our satisfied customer, Mr. August Fogarty of Walla Walla, Washington.

Sounds of snarling and barking.

ANNOUNCER [In a low voice] Hey, Joe! Why isn’t he wearing the underwear?

JOE [Low voice] It’s a full moon. He changed.

ANNOUNCER [Low voice] Well, put them on him.

JOE [Low voice] You put them on him! Every time I try to slip them over his back legs, he snaps at me. He almost took my (Beep)-ing arm off.

ANNOUNCER [Low voice] Get his wife to do it then. Where is Mrs. Fogarty?

JOE [Low voice] He ate her.

ANNOUNCER [Loudly] And, there you have it! Another satisfied customer. Look for Full Moon Undies at your local department store. Also, for the ladies, try the Full Moon Sports Bra. Now, back to our show.

SPOOF 6 MONSTERMATCH.COM by Timothy Huguenin

Crickets and other night noises can be heard in the background

WOMAN: What a nice evening for a walk.

MONSTER: Uuungh!

WOMAN: Those websites usually set me up with stuffy rich dates. I can’t get to know someone when I’m constantly worrying about how to to hold my fork. But this is nice, the open night air. We can really get to know each other, no superficial things in the way.

MONSTER: Uuungh!

WOMAN: I’m sorry, I can’t understand a word you say through that hood. Here, let me help you… Wait… you’re… you’re…

MONSTER: UUUUNGH!

WOMAN: [Runs away screaming]

ANNOUNCER: Are you tired of dating websites always matching you up with the wrong type?

MONSTER: [sadly] Uh-hungh!

ANNOUNCER: Well now your love problems are solved, with MonsterMatch.com!

MONSTER: [intrigued] Uungh?

ANNOUNCER: It’s true! We use a comprehensive 300-point questionnaire covering all the important things, from hobbies, to religion! Scales, skin, or fur! Even your blood type! With MonsterMatch.com, you can be sure to be matched with a date that won’t run away screaming—unless you’re into that sort of thing!

MONSTER: [excited] Uungh!

ANNOUNCER: MonsterMatch.com—Beauty is in the eye… or antennae… or tentacle… of the beholder!

SPOOF #7: LIL BITES KIDDIE KOFFIN by Daphne Strasert

Finally! A coffin designed with your bubbly, bouncing, blood-sucking bundle of joy in mind! The Lil Bites Kiddie Koffin by Transylvania Tykes is the perfect solution for the vigilant vampire parent.
Our company knows that protecting the eternal undeath of your child is your top priority, so we make it ours too. That’s why the Lil Bites Kiddie Koffin comes standard with safety features like stake-proof plating, garlic screening ventilation, and asbestos-free fireproofing.
And, for a limited time, we’re including the patented Sunshine Auto-lock System with all coffins. Don’t rely on cumbersome bungee cords to keep your curious mini-monster out of the danger of ultraviolet rays! The Sunshine Auto-lock System ensures your toothy toddler is secure in their bed from dawn ’til dusk, even through Daylight Savings Time changes. Order today and upgrade to a luxury model to get integrated sound and video, so you can keep an eye on Drac Jr. no matter the time of day.
As always, our products are backed by the Transylvania Tykes Guarantee: “You’ll love your purchase or you can disembowel the delivery henchman for free!”

Spoof #8: HOMESTENCH PLUGINS BY GRAVE by Sumiko Saulson

LAUGHTER & VIDEO GAME NOISES CAN BE HEARD
Winnie Werewolf: “Walter! My girlfriends are coming over (for) book club! The den reeks of rotting flesh and wounded gazelle!”
Walter Werewolf: <WHINY HOWL > : “Mooooom! You said my friends could hang out!”
Cindy Chupacabra:“So embarrassed! I thought I brushed all the gazelle chunks from my fangs this morning!”
Zane Zombie <SNIFFING ARMPIT> : “Do I offend? I used Axe Wound Body Spray to cover up my decomposition.”
Winnie Werewolf: “No problem, kids! We’ll mask the fetid aroma of monster adolescence with Homestench Plugins by Grave!”
Narrator: <ROMANIAN ACCENT> “Nothing makes cave or castle cozier than Homestench. Plugins by Grave, in a variety of comforting fragrances: Primordial Ooze, Formaldehyde, Fetid Catacomb, Extraterrestrial Corruption, Putrid Swamp, Home Laboratory, and Ritual Bloodbath.
<DOORBELL RINGS>
Winnie Werewolf: “Come in, ladies!”
Georgia Ghoul: Your home stinks so good! What’s your secret?
Mary Mummy: “Look! It’s Embalming Linen by Grave!”
Winnie Werewolf: “That’s not Grave! It’s French. Grah-vay.”
Narrator: Homestench by Grave. Find the perfect reek for the little monsters in your life!

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