Cure for Psychosis
by David Mallory
I used to suffer from schizophrenia, now before you all start thinking that I’m some sort of seed of evil, who is ready to whisk your child away and mail you parts of their body to you. I’m not that kind of crazy.
Sure, sometimes I hear voices and see things that no one else can gather with their senses. But unluckily, I do. At nights especially. You ever hear those stories about a person being caught sneaking around a stranger’s night and how terrifying that sounds. Good, now imagine that every night with a new person and voice, so it’s impossible to predict what’s going to happen.
Or how about blaring music to ignore the voices echoing through your head, wishing you dead or at least, threatening to take control of your body to maim you. Only for the music to end and you hear someone whispering your name into your ear, just for a second until the next track to play, but long enough for you to wonder if that happened or not.
But guess what. I figured out a cure for schizophrenia, or psychosis, as those quacks love to refer to it as. You don’t have to worry about seeing or hearing anything if you don’t have those senses anymore.
Now all you need to do to solve this problem is to grab the largest knife and the sharpest knife out of the drawer, probably the ones you use to cut up those vegetables that you never eat. Have you found it? Good. Now take the sharp blade part of it and place it into your ear, pointed right towards your ear canal. Then when you’re ready, push with all your might and you’re done!
Sure, this may cause massive pain and may involve the blade getting stuck, but after a few quick shakes, I’m sure it’ll be loose enough for you to pull it out. Fine, it will also be quite bloody, but just pretend those beads of blood pouring out of your ear are sweat and move on to the next step. Now grab the nearest paper towel or tissue to wipe the blood, earwax, and possible brain matter off your knife. The last thing you want is an ear infection.
Then do the same thing with your other ear. Now, this is going to be a bit more difficult than the last one because with one of your ears dead, your sense of balance is going to be thrown off for the foreseeable future.
Have you done all that and not passed out from blood loss yet? Great! Now throw that knife away and grab that sharp knife I recommended you get at the beginning. Do you have it in your hand? Alright, two quick recommendations before you continue – if you have glasses, you probably should take those off and make sure to finish reading the rest of the instructions before starting.
Take that new knife and point it towards your eyeball and quickly, before the warning bells in your brain go off, thrust that knife into it. And keep going until you can feel the tip of the blade scraping against the back of your eye. Now I seriously recommend you do this AFTER your ears because you won’t have to worry about hearing that hideous squelching sound coming from your eye socket.
Then just like last time, wipe off the knife, as best as you can with one eye anyway. And into the other eye, it goes! Now if you’ve done this completely right, you should no longer be able to hear those voices or see those people any longer. Congratulations! You’re fixed!
Now that you don’t need to worry about seeing or hearing those people, then there’s one final step. Accept your fate.