November 19, 2021
Lord Hades, God of Death
4 Everlasting Ave
Camden NJ 08104
Dear Lord Hades,
Please accept this cover letter and accompanying resume as my application to become Intern for the Assistant to Death, North America – Region 14. I learned of this position from a posting I found online at HellJobs.com.
In addition to being dead myself (obviously), I have significant experience caring for and supporting those who are dying. After earning a Master’s Degree in gerontological nursing, I spent 18 years offering palliative and hospice care to dying patients at three different homes for the elderly. At Visiting Angels Senior Home Care in Las Vegas, I was selected “Caring Nurse of the Month,” by staff and families, eight times. At Elder Care of Bemidji, Minnesota, I was selected to train and lead a group of between 15 and 22 hospice volunteers who spent countless hours with our patients and their families. At Compassionate Care Senior Services in Conway, South Carolina, I was asked by the Director to inform families whenever their loved one died because I “had such a good rapport with families and always knew the right thing to say that would bring them comfort.”
Although the job description for this Intern position said very little about the qualities for which you are looking, I believe the work in which you are engaged requires a calm demeanor (to help avoid any hysteria from the pre-dead), a facility with language (to clearly explain what is happening), a confident decision-maker (to act, when necessary, without having to always check in with a supervisor), and an ability to look “death in the eye” (if you don’t mind my using this phrase). I believe that I possess all of the qualities listed above .
Although it may or may not be smart for me to admit this, I feel I should acknowledge that I also have experience moving the death process along more quickly than would have been the case otherwise. As you may know if you can access my life records, I was occasionally suspected but never charged by law enforcement for helping terminally ill patients “slip away” more quickly than they might have otherwise. Over many years of practice, I became adept at applying a combination of increased pain medication (usually Darvon or Demerol) and/or holding my hands/fingers over the person’s mouth and nose to kill folks who were more than ready for their suffering to end. If an Intern for the Assistant to Death, North America – Region 14 needs to periodically expedite the death process for a human, which I assume will occur for a variety of reasons, then I am your gal.
Lastly, I think I am qualified for this work because of my recent death experience. When I tested positive for COVID-19, at home last week, I was told by my doctor to not come into their offices or visit the Emergency Room unless I “was having difficulty breathing.” I was breathing OK at the time, but respiratory symptoms escalated very quickly overnight. I woke before dawn the next morning coughing and sputtering, and remembered that my phone was charging downstairs. I had given up a phone landline several years ago and was trying to not look at my phone screen right before bed or right when I woke up. Those decisions became fatal when I started coughing halfway down the stairs and fell down so hard I was knocked out. I must have broken several bones because when I awoke, I could not move my body enough to reach my cell phone. At one point, my cat Skittles just looked at me lying there and walked away. I eventually died in pain, not being able to breathe properly, and feeling very alone. If I am able to, as Intern for the Assistant to Death, I’d like to bring some amount of comfort to those who are experiencing death without any support from a living human.
Thank you for considering my candidacy for this position. I look forward to hearing back from you and the hiring committee.
A college administrator by day, Bob Gielow (he/him) spins tales in formats we all use when communicating with each other: text messages, emails, fictional Wikipedia posts, and diary entries all allow him to be clinical and thorough in describing his characters, their thinking and actions … without diminishing his ability to explore the resulting human emotions. Bob utilizes these epistolary styles, and others, to tell tales that frequently explore the most common of human experiences, death. https://twitter.com/bob_gielow