It Came From the Vault: New Year’s Resolutions Are for Everyone, Even the Undead by Heather Roulo

vault

How are your Resolutions coming along? In this short Guest Blog I found in the Vault, by Heather Roulo.  A Resolution’s list fit for a zombie!

New Year’s Resolutions Are for Everyone, Even the Undead

by Heather Roulo

The holidays are tough. Even being undead doesn’t put an end to the stress and expectations. So, for the New Year, I’m posting my resolutions. If I can stick to them, so can you!

  1. Diet & Exercise: I haven’t been feeling myself. I’m sluggish and my figure has suffered. From now on, it’s quality food all the way: Human brains, no more animal brains no matter how tempting they look. And the new pedometer I found ensures I’ll shuffle at least 5,000 steps a day. Gotta keep going while I have two good legs, especially since the left one is looking a little soggy.
  2. Reevaluate What I’m Doing with my Undead Existence: This is all we get. At any time, an angry mob, accidental avalanche, or something pointy could come along and I’d be finished walking this earth for real this time. I didn’t like it when my life flashed before my eyes the first time, so my undead life needs to be full and rich, because re-runs are never as good.
  3. Take A Trip: I can’t remember the last time I took a vacation just to see the world. Flying is out, since they locked down all the airports, but it doesn’t seem to have stopped others of my kind from reaching every corner of the earth. With a little determination I can hitch a ride on some survivor’s RV and truly explore nature.
  4. Manage Stress: It’s always fight and hunt, hunt and fight around here. When does a zombie get to just relax? And even when I get the chance, it’s hard to chill when the rest of the horde is getting ahead. But I need to find me time. There’s nothing more peaceful than a deep dark hole, and I’m resolved to dig myself a nice one.
  5. Manage Debt & Save Money: I have totally cut my addiction to credit cards and hardly spend a dime anymore, but somehow creditors continue to hound me. I’ve eaten a few, but it’s never as much fun when they’re chasing you. A little more fiscal responsibility and maybe I can pay off those debts and get them off my back.
  6. Improve my Knowledge & Learn a New Skill: With time, people change. I definitely have interests I’d never have considered a few years back: anatomy, the mechanics of doorknobs, and easy solutions to barbed wire, to name just a few. I’m thinking there must a school, or class, or maybe an online course I can take. If not, I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’ll write a book, because if I’m confused then others are too.
  7. Participate more in my Community and Give Back: Charity begins at home. When I have a lot, you know I share. My hole is your hole. My brains… Stay away from my brains.

And I’m going to take a minute to congratulate myself on last year’s resolution to Drink Less & Smoke Less. My new fear of fire really cut back on the smoking, and alcohol is tasteless. I can’t get drunk, and rarely experience social anxiety anymore. I can’t remember the last mixer I attended. It’s true, that if you avoid situations where you’re used to drinking, you fall out of the habit. Sure, others might say I take a swish now and again, but it’s medicinal. It clears the moss off my teeth.

Times keep changing, but it’s funny how resolutions aren’t that different no matter who you are. So, keep me honest and ask me, next year, how the diet went.

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My End Was Not My End by Chantal Boudreau

My End Was Not My End

 by Chantal Boudreau

 

One briny blip

Ocean of gore

Lurching shuffles

Breathing no more

Here’s not the place

I’m meant to be

Undead flotsam

Zombie sea

 

Craving Endless

Ear-rushing roar

Starving for flesh

Longing for more

This not the way

I’m meant to be

Urgent hunger

Takes hold of me

 

Torment constant

Can’t ignore

Forced still forward

No change in store

If I could pray

I’d beg for peace

One headshot brings

My sweet release.

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zombiemepic

Aside from being a long-time fan of the zombie genre via books, movies and now TV, Chantal Boudreau began her existence as a published author with a zombie short story named “Palliative” in an anthology called “Vampires, Zombies and Ghosts – Oh My!” published by Notreebooks.  This was followed by the publication of several other zombie shorts: “Just Another Day”, “Waking the Dead”, “Escarg-0”, “Life and Undeath on the Chain Gang,” and “One Lonely Night” in the May December Publications’ anthologies “First Time Dead, Volume 1”, “Hell Hath No Fury” (all women writers), “Zero”, “Zombie Lockdown” and “Let’s Scare Cancer to Death” as well as “What a Man’s Gotta Do” in the anthology “Undead Tales” from Rymfire Books and “Deadline” in the anthology “Zombie Buffet” from Open Casket Press.  She has done extensive research for her blog series “Chantelly’s Field Guide to Zombies” and a non-fiction article on Zomedy – the dark humour in zombie fiction.  She is currently shopping a full zombie novel, Sleep Escapes Us, set in ancient Thrace and involving the myths surrounding the death god, Zalmoxis.

A Zombie Resolution by Chantal Boudreau

A Zombie Resolution

by Chantal Boudreau

Mzombie2aking New Year resolutions has long been a tradition with the living, but shouldn’t the undead have the opportunity to better themselves as well?  We would expect their resolutions to differ somewhat from the norm, however.  While the average person might resolve to join a gym or spend more quality time with their family, such things might prove less than practical for a zombie.  Considering their nature and properties, here’s what a top ten list of zombie resolutions might look like:

  1. BRAAAAIINS!!!

Everything begins and ends with this in the realm of zombie, so would this be that big of a surprise?

  1. A regular routine of shambling

No one would envision the walking dead taking to the treadmill, but they could at least get out there and shuffle and moan more often.  They don’t have to master the Thriller routine, but practicing it could improve their coordination.

  1. Lose weight

Zombies don’t do diets – they aren’t exactly known for their impulse control – but they could shed a few extra pounds through rot and ruin.  Drop a few fingers and toes, maybe your liver or spleen,  and it’ll show the next time you step on the scale. Just don’t lose your head.

  1. Make time for the mob

Zombies don’t tend to have a family once the apocalypse strikes (although there has been the occasional exception,) not in the ordinary sense anyway.  Their new family is the zombie mob, with whom they can spend more quality time.  Avoid being the straggler left behind or you could miss out on all the fun.

  1. Become more spiritual

Zombies don’t pray or meditate, but they could hang out by the nearest church and chow down on a priest, minister or Bible study group.  That way, in addition to finding religion, they can also eat it.

  1. MORE BRAIIIINNNS!!!

Considering that this is a focal point in a zombie’s existence, it had to show up on this list more than once.  Am I right?

  1. Quit smoking

In zombie terms, this means staying clear of any open fires, flame-throwing survivalists or the odd villager’s torches. Burning is baaaad.

  1. Volunteer

zombie1While you won’t find zombies ringing a bell by the charity kettle or scooping casserole in a soup kitchen, there are ways they can make a difference.  They can be one of the select few at the forefront of the mob trying to push down a chain link fence, getting crushed up against the wire, or the unlucky shambler first in line to set off the survivor booby trap.  Come on all you zombies – step up.

  1. Be a better person

The only way this can be achieved is by zombies working harder to hide their undead state.  Hang out in shadowy areas so food in transit might not notice you’re undead until it’s too late.  Hover by water fountains, crowded parking lots and in grocery aisles with your most gory bits sheltered from view.  Or better yet, hang out behind curtains or under the blankets until prey comes to you.  Think less “zombie” and more “zombie in disguise as people.”

  1. And, of course, EVEN MORE BRAAAIINNS!!!!

To repeat, everything begins and ends with this in the zombie realm.  ‘Nuff said.

************

zombiemepic

Aside from being a long-time fan of the zombie genre via books, movies and now TV, Chantal Boudreau began her existence as a published author with a zombie short story named “Palliative” in an anthology called “Vampires, Zombies and Ghosts – Oh My!” published by Notreebooks.  This was followed by the publication of several other zombie shorts: “Just Another Day”, “Waking the Dead”, “Escarg-0”, “Life and Undeath on the Chain Gang,” and “One Lonely Night” in the May December Publications’ anthologies “First Time Dead, Volume 1”, “Hell Hath No Fury” (all women writers), “Zero”, “Zombie Lockdown” and “Let’s Scare Cancer to Death” as well as “What a Man’s Gotta Do” in the anthology “Undead Tales” from Rymfire Books and “Deadline” in the anthology “Zombie Buffet” from Open Casket Press.  She has done extensive research for her blog series “Chantelly’s Field Guide to Zombies” and a non-fiction article on Zomedy – the dark humour in zombie fiction.  She is currently shopping a full zombie novel, Sleep Escapes Us, set in ancient Thrace and involving the myths surrounding the death god, Zalmoxis.